Sunday, August 9, 2009


Hey there,
No hope going to the Mtv world stage, not enough tickets sold. I wanted to, just because Kasabian will be performing. Love their songs; its fantabulous. I'll miss another band that I like. Well, I never have luck when it comes to these events. So I shoudn't bother trying. So I will be having a dull August, not going out for Merdeka either. I'll probably stay at home. I'm not sure about that. I think I am just boring. Urrrghhhh, I hate myself for that. 

I feel that, I am indirectly pressured to loose weight. I want to, it's not that I want to be fat. I feel awful, but my conscience forces me not to eat, which I do not support at all. This brings me down and I feel that people might think that excess weight is equivalent to someone whom does not have the beauty outside. Get what I mean? It's true that it is best to have the beauty inside, but to me being fat or oversized shouldn't be uncomfortable with their own self. Most men would say, you are beautiful on the outside (to a more thinner person) but when they are oversized they wouldn't really say that. If they are oversized living in a healthy lifestyle, it's better than being stick thin living unhealthy. However, I still feel uncomfortable with myself around anyone. 

I hate being compared to anyone. Especially, comparing my flaws. I don't like the feeling of being compared materialistically, I am not rich, I am not an "anak datuk". I may have a title but it does not mean I have to show it to the world to announce my status. I do not even have a status and I am partly equal with anyone, anywhere. There are times where I spend on a few things or food but I don't show off and brag to everyone. Sometimes I'm happy getting those things and I want to share my happiness with some of my friends but there are certain limits where it sounds like I purposely make you jealous. I don't want that and I actually don't like that. I don't get people,  bragging about everything. It's good that you're proud of yourself but it does have that in-your-face vibe and a I'm-better-than-you vibe too. What about a bit of modesty? That will be perfect.

My mom found out, I took money out of the ATM and I was busted. Well it was for the car, food and parking. I take out maximum Rm200 and not more than that. Well I can never get away with anything when it comes to my mother.
I was thinking.. how lazy and boring I am, is killing the people around me because I'm no fun. It's not that I planned to do that, I'm just tired and bored with what I do. I don't have that quirkiness. Actually, I was like this since I was a kid; my little nieces and nephew's would make me play games that I loath and I end up giving up at the end and disappointing them. Even if they asked me to play games that I like, I'll play for 5 minutes, then I'll stop or if they ask me to go run around with them, my answer will always say NO. I guess this is happening without me realizing. 
Now.. What do you think about me?

Signing off...

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