Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'm back from the dead

Hey there,

I think the last time I've actually written anything was in May.. If I'm not mistaken. I've actually gone to Tumblr.. Yes I have gone into the "dark side" haha I don't really write posts there, not because everyone is posting images or reblogging other posts, but I've been expressing my emotions and feelings visually, with a few influences from the other users of course.

I find it hard to express myself directly because many people that I'm close to reads or browses through my post on tumblr and usually comments it straight to my face and frankly, I do hate that and I feel like slapping their faces when they do that. They judge the littlest things and I'll get offended. I might not have the strongest heart but I still can stand firmly on the ground. Hence, posting images or "quotes" are quite vague? Just because of that, I have a deep dissatisfaction of letting my emotions flow.

Looking back 8 months ago perhaps, I was a very different person. More of an introvert, never went out as much (other than being with my ex-boyfriend) , Couldn't talk to people, was more shy, Followed the rules (I still do) , and other things I can't think of. I wouldn't say I'm proud of it, but I choose to be the way I am now, it does help release my tension. I remembered using blogging as an alternative to help calm me down and went jogging whenever I had the chance. I guess I've opened myself to new friendships and made myself more friendly, tried making new friends and doing other things I usually won't do. I drive more often and I'm usually in college and I'll end up coming home by 7. I know I can't wake up early in the morning because I'm so used to sleeping late and waking up 8 hours after or even 12 hours if I get the chance but if I had class I would obviously wake up earlier but I would probably be a zombie when I get to campus. Work has been my life, and I've been burying myself in it to keep me occupied from "unnecessary" stress and when I get stressed from work, I'll turn to my friends to keep me sane or I guess "insane". That has been my life 24/7 for the past 8 months. Not just that, having unnecessary flings with hope and ending up with no feelings and despair. I've been treating each and every one of them like rebounds and I do feel very very sorry for all of them. I never had any intentions to do so. I haven't been a good girl, or a good friend or even a good daughter and somehow I always blame "him" because of it. Made myself vulnerable and I've turned into a more selfish person. I get so scared caring what others are thinking so I don't usually thinking about other people feelings and try not to get hurt, but I do at the end..

Everything is so messed up because finally after 8 months, I have finally adored someone. In the past 8 months, I have never thought about this at all and it was sudden. I never thought of liking him at all and he makes me happy. Finally someone that is concerned with what I'm going through and someone that listens to my problems. Someone I feel so safe with and I don't have to be so insecure for being so stupid when I'm around him. Someone that has an opinion and things to talk about and actually sounds interesting. Even though he likes talking a lot, he still does things that I like and talk about things that I like. The only problem is that, he has a girlfriend and he always had problems with girls.. I can't trust him and I can't be with him. He has TOO many problems to deal with and if I be with him, I'll be F-ed up as well. I sound like a bloody hypocrite and I'm being exactly like the girl I hate, but Karma slaps me again with another problem to solve. Frankly, I miss him a lot, and I do like him, I haven't seen him in a while and I miss talking to him, I feel like hugging him and I know this sounds smushy.. but I've been thinking about him A LOT. It's been a while I guess, and I haven't been a relationship since early this year. Heck, some people can last for years without one, why can't I right?

I've been babling too much.. I think I might start updating my blog again.. This feels good actually. :)
Till then..