Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'm back from the dead

Hey there,

I think the last time I've actually written anything was in May.. If I'm not mistaken. I've actually gone to Tumblr.. Yes I have gone into the "dark side" haha I don't really write posts there, not because everyone is posting images or reblogging other posts, but I've been expressing my emotions and feelings visually, with a few influences from the other users of course.

I find it hard to express myself directly because many people that I'm close to reads or browses through my post on tumblr and usually comments it straight to my face and frankly, I do hate that and I feel like slapping their faces when they do that. They judge the littlest things and I'll get offended. I might not have the strongest heart but I still can stand firmly on the ground. Hence, posting images or "quotes" are quite vague? Just because of that, I have a deep dissatisfaction of letting my emotions flow.

Looking back 8 months ago perhaps, I was a very different person. More of an introvert, never went out as much (other than being with my ex-boyfriend) , Couldn't talk to people, was more shy, Followed the rules (I still do) , and other things I can't think of. I wouldn't say I'm proud of it, but I choose to be the way I am now, it does help release my tension. I remembered using blogging as an alternative to help calm me down and went jogging whenever I had the chance. I guess I've opened myself to new friendships and made myself more friendly, tried making new friends and doing other things I usually won't do. I drive more often and I'm usually in college and I'll end up coming home by 7. I know I can't wake up early in the morning because I'm so used to sleeping late and waking up 8 hours after or even 12 hours if I get the chance but if I had class I would obviously wake up earlier but I would probably be a zombie when I get to campus. Work has been my life, and I've been burying myself in it to keep me occupied from "unnecessary" stress and when I get stressed from work, I'll turn to my friends to keep me sane or I guess "insane". That has been my life 24/7 for the past 8 months. Not just that, having unnecessary flings with hope and ending up with no feelings and despair. I've been treating each and every one of them like rebounds and I do feel very very sorry for all of them. I never had any intentions to do so. I haven't been a good girl, or a good friend or even a good daughter and somehow I always blame "him" because of it. Made myself vulnerable and I've turned into a more selfish person. I get so scared caring what others are thinking so I don't usually thinking about other people feelings and try not to get hurt, but I do at the end..

Everything is so messed up because finally after 8 months, I have finally adored someone. In the past 8 months, I have never thought about this at all and it was sudden. I never thought of liking him at all and he makes me happy. Finally someone that is concerned with what I'm going through and someone that listens to my problems. Someone I feel so safe with and I don't have to be so insecure for being so stupid when I'm around him. Someone that has an opinion and things to talk about and actually sounds interesting. Even though he likes talking a lot, he still does things that I like and talk about things that I like. The only problem is that, he has a girlfriend and he always had problems with girls.. I can't trust him and I can't be with him. He has TOO many problems to deal with and if I be with him, I'll be F-ed up as well. I sound like a bloody hypocrite and I'm being exactly like the girl I hate, but Karma slaps me again with another problem to solve. Frankly, I miss him a lot, and I do like him, I haven't seen him in a while and I miss talking to him, I feel like hugging him and I know this sounds smushy.. but I've been thinking about him A LOT. It's been a while I guess, and I haven't been a relationship since early this year. Heck, some people can last for years without one, why can't I right?

I've been babling too much.. I think I might start updating my blog again.. This feels good actually. :)
Till then..


Friday, May 14, 2010

Thinking back

Fast forward, Hello peeps
I know it's been a while since my last post.
I've been updating my Tumblr (sort of)
Well what's on my mind now...
Honestly.. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. Lack of sleep, and not enough of food consumption. Whole workload of shit. I know I CAN handle this, but for now I'm too tired to even think about it.
I know it's too late to talk about this, but I do avoid this topic and I feel so awkward talking about it. I am enjoying life now, being single. Just the fact that, I did not plan to move on and I didn't think he would as well. I wasn't prepared for such news. Knowing that person even broke my heart into shattered pieces. The amount of apologies given won't change how I feel. I mean, I can't brush off a year that easily. This takes time and somehow I'm taking all my time to do so. I asked for it, so now I'm facing the consequences. I can't help to think that, it's just my luck and I will always end up being like this. The feeling of betrayal keeps replaying in my mind and more and more of those makes me depressed. It's karma, I guess. My perception of moving on, doesn't mean I need a boyfriend, I can live without one even though I will have an urge of wanting one. I really try to ignore you but you keep popping up like some pop up book and it catches me off guard. I can't look at your name and her name, I just imagine the most frustrating thing ever. I'll feel even more insecure. However, I did turn into a more optimistic person and I'm liking this feeling. Annoying at times, but I remembered I used to be like this last time. I guess I'm more friendly? I don't know, but I open up to people even more easily now. I feel cheery and people give the same vibe as well and it helps me, A LOT. Surrounded by people sort of puts my mind off him. I know that my family and friends are there to support me and I am so thankful for that. I don't know when I'll heal exactly but I know time is what I have now and I'm spending it slowly.

I want to say more but I think I would rather talk about one thing at a time.
Till then..

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Shopping spree

Hello everybody.
Today I was shopping by myself. I'm not trying to self pity myself or whatever, but everyone was occupied and I couldn't contact some of them. So why waste my time waiting and just get on with it and satisfy myself. WHICH I did. I bought a pair of shorts, a bag and a dress! I am happy, so so very happy :D

Went to Threadzoo which was at Rasta and then I went to another bazaar at Subang Parade which had quite an interesting variety of things but I met Yi-vonne and bought the dress at her shop Oh My Diet. Which I might say had the best choice. Cheh cheh commercializing pulak.. Today was quite dreary, the sky was so grey and it felt like it was gonna rain but thank god it didn't while I was driving back to TTDI.

I came back home and I watched NEW MOON, for the first time actually. I feel like beating Bella up, (for new moon fans please do not read this paragraph) She was fidgeting and shouting so much like a spastic child. (No offense by the way) Jacob was being such a nice and protective man and Bella had to choose Edward. New Moon somehow made the vampires even prettier (in a bad way) Vampires are sophisticated, dark creatures. They made them look womanly.. However, the female vampires had the most appropriate "look"? I'm quite dissatisfied with the movie. I'm not siding towards Jacob because he has that heavenly fine shaped body but he was truly a nice person in the movie and I preferred him since the First Twilight.

Anyway, I went and ate dinner with my family and waited so long for our food, my mom and sister bought groceries while waiting for the food and I ended up sitting there alone playing solitaire. -.- I have an interest when it comes to solitaire now, and I don't know why. Probably because I get bored too easily. While I was alone, there was this middle aged man staring at me while he was eating and gave me the smirk and that 'look'. Creepy. I don't understand why men like that even exist, he is such a pervert.

Today I was thinking and and came up with a sentence, 2 maybe..
" Even if you're treated badly doesn't mean u have to do the same. Sooner or later they will learn their lesson "
LIFE LESSON! Everyone should remember that :)

Well that's it for today. I miss writing long posts rather than posting images. I guess I didn't have interesting updates. Well, I wouldn't call this post Interesting but at least I had something to write about.

Toodles :)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Hello Everyone!
Gosh I abandoned you for so long.. Everyone kept asking me to update my blog and I'm so sorry.. haha So here's the update:
I have FINALLY finished my third semester and my FIRST YEAR of graphic design.
I'm moving to the new Taylors campus soon and I heard that there's a cow staying near the lake and after the rain stops the cow shit will linger around campus.
I am currently working at Topshop One Utama and the people there are GREAT!
2009 has ended and its Feb 3rd 2010. Started quite badly but its turning out okay now.
My house renovation is finally complete and I have my OWN room! AND i've finished putting everything in.
I went to the Nokia concert, and it was boring actually. Eventhough Boys like Girls performed, it wasn't my cup of tea.
I banged the car door and my finger got stuck, so I think my nail will be coming off soon.
I'm going to Kings of Convenience this 22nd of March with my brother and his friends.
My boyfriend is going to Sydney this March and he's going there for a year and a half to do his piloting.
I feel like shit now for many reasons actually.
I think I've turned into a twitter whore; belief me its not a compliment.
I have one drawer JUST for my shades and I still want to buy more.
I feel like smashing someones head to the door, but I can't cause that's considered as murder, if he/she dies.
My brother is working now, I'm so proud of him.
I think I lost my capabilities to speak french fluently.
I mainly post images in my tumblr.
After Photography class, I am finally inspired to take up photography again.
I want new clothes.
I have a cool bean bag chair.
I am loosing my patience.

I guess that's it for now, I don't think I will post frequent updates but I'll try my best

Toodles :)