Well I'd rather blurt this out, be a little direct and at least clear my mind for a bit.
Have you felt like you don't feel beautiful enough for your 'loved' one? Well I do. I just don't know if he thinks that I am beautiful to HIM. I don't know if I'm attractive enough. I don't know if I'm special or not. I just feel ugly and unimportant not just to him but to anyone else I know. I can't help myself to think that other people have more attraction, have more beauty in them and that does slightly make me jealous. I don't know about you other girls out there, but this is annoying me. His standard of beauty is way past my capabilities. I can't exceed that. I can't be as beautiful as that. I guess what I feel which may be stupid but I want to 'satisfy' him? Well I'm not sure of another synonym that can replace that word for now. I just don't feel good enough for him or ANYONE.
In fact, I just feel that no one is proud of me for what I've been doing. This just makes me uninspired and discourages me from doing anything. I just have no mood to do anything. No inspiration even if I've flipped and browsed a gazillion photo's or idea's. My expectations are quite low for myself, so if I did something and achieved it greater than what I expected; I'll feel extra happy and I'll be so proud of myself, but when I share that happiness of mine. I won't get that same reaction, It's either an OKAY or ouh thats good.. or ouh okay lah.. or not bad.. I don't remember the last time I heard anyone say that they are proud of me. I'm not a machine but I do try my best and if my effort was good enough; I know that I have made MYSELF happy but I know that I won't get that same reaction. I just feel that I never reach their expectations. I just don't know. I want to be selfish all the time and want everyone to praise me or at least make me feel important, but I know that I can't.
I actually want people reading this. No one hears me. No one reads what I write. I want peoples reactions. I want THEM to realize and consider my feelings for now. Sometimes I just feel that it's unfair.
I'll end this for now.