Words of uncertainty

Hey people..
Well I'd rather blurt this out, be a little direct and at least clear my mind for a bit.
Have you felt like you don't feel beautiful enough for your 'loved' one? Well I do. I just don't know if he thinks that I am beautiful to HIM. I don't know if I'm attractive enough. I don't know if I'm special or not. I just feel ugly and unimportant not just to him but to anyone else I know. I can't help myself to think that other people have more attraction, have more beauty in them and that does slightly make me jealous. I don't know about you other girls out there, but this is annoying me. His standard of beauty is way past my capabilities. I can't exceed that. I can't be as beautiful as that. I guess what I feel which may be stupid but I want to 'satisfy' him? Well I'm not sure of another synonym that can replace that word for now. I just don't feel good enough for him or ANYONE.
In fact, I just feel that no one is proud of me for what I've been doing. This just makes me uninspired and discourages me from doing anything. I just have no mood to do anything. No inspiration even if I've flipped and browsed a gazillion photo's or idea's. My expectations are quite low for myself, so if I did something and achieved it greater than what I expected; I'll feel extra happy and I'll be so proud of myself, but when I share that happiness of mine. I won't get that same reaction, It's either an OKAY or ouh thats good.. or ouh okay lah.. or not bad.. I don't remember the last time I heard anyone say that they are proud of me. I'm not a machine but I do try my best and if my effort was good enough; I know that I have made MYSELF happy but I know that I won't get that same reaction. I just feel that I never reach their expectations. I just don't know. I want to be selfish all the time and want everyone to praise me or at least make me feel important, but I know that I can't.

I actually want people reading this. No one hears me. No one reads what I write. I want peoples reactions. I want THEM to realize and consider my feelings for now. Sometimes I just feel that it's unfair.

I'll end this for now.
Toodles.

Love

" How we could just go around shouting in public not bothering if anybody thought that we were crazy because all we wanted was just to see each other smile & laugh and that'd be enough. How he showed me a side of him that nobody has ever seen before - a gentle yet vulnerable side. He was mine, and with just him alone I was very contented with life. Because life with him was never dull, I had something to look forward to everyday, even if it was just a smile. I remember how we'd walk in supermarkets pretending that we were married, cooking dishes; doing house chores; playing FIFA & betting on soccer together.

I'll never forget how his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he laughed or whenever we met. How our bodies fitted so perfectly together - hands & shoulders. How his tone changed when he was talking to me compared to when he was talking to someone else. How he always winked at me when other girls were oogling at him to give them a hint that he was my boyfriend. How protective he was of me when guys tried to get near me and how he loved playing tricks on others. "

{ Le Love }

BLOGSHOP OPEN!

What is in my mind at 10.20pm

Hey Y'all.. ahhaha

I just came back from Bangsar with sarah. Found this skirt and bag and shorts. I didn't have money to buy it so I reserved the skirt. For now.. Hopefully I'll have enough money to buy that skirt.

Had long chats with her. It's been a while. I miss all that actually.

College is starting tomorrow. Starting with only ONE subject which is Photography :) Hopefully it won't be a drag. Somehow I don't feel like talking to anyone, except people close to me. I feel lazy. I want to watch paranormal activity with my sister later. I shall review about that soon.

After topics after topics with Sarah. Somehow I do realize how insecure I am especially with my boyfriend I can't help to think that there are SO many beautiful and attractive girls walking around; stylish and some that are friendly. It feels like a trap for boys. I know that love conquers all but sometimes we know that some boys can't stop looking and praising. Who wouldn't want to look at attractive or stylish girls. Even I would. Then there would be jealousy, the most stupid and worst thing unimaginable. Of course there should be trust, sometimes we have to be strong and know that they won't cheat but on the other hand the other person should not abuse that trust of yours either. Maybe girls won't feel that way if people around them reassures them? Make them feel beautiful? Say encouraging words? I don't know. Well eye candy for all.

I have been delaying my blogshop for so long already. I have already made the blog

http://dietaryfashion.blogspot.com

but I haven't posted anything yet. Well I promise that

I'll post it soon. I feel really guilty already :/

I have a feeling I'll be as spastic as Igor when I start my third semester. The camera is already heavy plus my handbag and I don't feel like bringing a backpack. I don't even know what happened to my backpack. I should widen my horizon with influences from different professional photographers. I do want to be the best of the best. Even though my class has many great future photographers. I guess they have their own 'style'. Maybe I do too? I hope so. I'm quite rusty with that machine. It's been too long since I handled that. I do need inspiration too and a good lens :p

I should go take a bath now.

Toodles :)

Rain rain go away

Evening everyone.

Today feels so grey.. Anyways, I watched 500 days of summer. NICE movie I might say. You have that desire of doing those things with your man. It's sweet but then the ending was quite shitty. There was a happy ending but before that, everything was messed up. I was inspired with his passion for architecture well when he started sketching. I bought a new A6 sketch book and I have a few doodles in there already :)

I really don't like it when I want a nice relaxing day then someone or I guess some people are rushing things for no reason and act all jittery and sometimes they start hyperventilating in the middle of everything. You get pushed around and being forced to do things you don't want to do.

I watched "This is it" the second time with Shaira and our mothers. I was still excited and was still amazed with the effort and his work. I wouldn't say I am his biggest number 1 fan but I do adore him. It is sad that he was taken for granted by people around him. Anyways, I realized after his death. Everyone started saying that they are MJ's #1 fan. Are they even serious? Do they think they're important because they're his fans? Do they think it's cool saying that? I just hate that after his death, they just REALIZE that MJ was an icon an idol. They regret making fun of him as wacko jacko, child molester and what not. I know some people are actually sincere when they say that they're his #1 fan, but I'm just saying about the other people. It's just sad and pathetic.

I need some inspiration to do my blogshop. Some word of encouragement? interest? I don't know.

Anyhoo, I was thinking.. what if I ran away somewhere unknown and not let anyone know. Make myself invisible. Not letting any of my relatives or anyone close to me know where I am. Leave everything behind. Everything I did, everything I own, everyone I love. What reaction would I get? Satisfaction? Happiness? Relieved? or even better; No reaction. Curiosity... I don't know....

To all 2009 SPM candidates : Good Luck! Try your best. You can do it :) A month to freedom! Make it worthwhile when you have the chance after that.

Blogshop header

Supposedly BIGGER and it does have a high resolution, but somehow this picture sucks ahaha
Anyways, this will be my blogshop header :)

FRESH FOOD
(Fashion is a diet)

Finally!

Evening everyone,
today is a sad yet joyful day. We finished our exams today and tomorrow will be our last presentation. Hoorah! for that. However, today was the last day 'lepak-ing' with ez :(
We had a fun time squishing in my car which apparently can fit 8 people. Ate at Boston and felt the Boston-like atmosphere but felt like China town actually. We were around Sunway. Then I went to USJ and sent her back. I hope she'll have a safe journey and WE'LL MISS YOU!

Anyways, semester break is coming soon and I have so much installed this whole break which is about a week or two. I can't wait to start. Probably building my portfolio. Developing my "skills" as a designer. Make a nice journal for myself. Start on my photography. Gosh am I so rusty in it now. OUH I will be selling my items soon. So check it out! Other than that! I'll be decorating my new room. So this will take more than a week but at least I'm occupied right? Of course I'll be going out with my friends which have been long forsaken. I guess that's the only plan so far. so far....

Till then..
Toodles :)