Rein my kucing angkat

In memories to Rein.

I was so sad, I picked Rein up with my bare hands. It was hit by a car.
I tried to save it but it was suffering. I cried so hard. The bones were crushed, it couldn't survive even if I wanted to help. It was so lifeless, He usually is so jumpy and hyper; but it was the total opposite that night.
I placed him in an Ikea box with newspapers. I couldn't bare looking at him with his pain and blood all over my hands, but I had to put him aside; other idiots could bang him WITHOUT a reason. He didn't even stop and help put rein aside, that F**k. His body on my arms was the most agonizing feeling.
I can't describe the situation because it was so sudden and i was in shock, Even my own mother ordered me not to pick Rein up. Rein was like my kucing angkat and it felt like leaving you dead baby beside the road. That was so inhumane and i couldn't leave rein not being put aside. I sympathized my neighbor(rein's owner) , He was so happy with him and my neighbor isn't really a joyous man, but after rein came he was so full of happiness. Rein can be annoying, but it's a cat. Cat's aren't supposed to die that way. I can remember him squirming and moving so hard in pain. I can't belief someone can be that heartless.

Well i hope Rein is in a better place where cats run around with toys and litter boxes. And rein has been a good cat and I miss him jumping in the house for no reason. :)

Cold-hearted

Apparently I've changed to become a bad person or a bitch which i presume.
I don't jaga hati orang, I like to cari gaduh, Let's just say I'm a cold-hearted bitch, until I tak perasan what's right and what's wrong. That's me I guess.
Sometimes I wonder, If she starts looking at the mirror and stares at her self SO LONG and realize she's worse than me.

I took loads of patience with me whenever I am with her. I don't like fighting, that is just plain stupid. I hate being used, I am the definition of a friend with benefit. They don't take me seriously, I effing jaga her hati, you think I can do it 24/7, of course NOT. She does not know me, I am sensitive but I don't like showing it, cause it shows that I am weak, and when they look at me, memang lah they'll see something so weak until they use me.

It's been happening for years and this person doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through, I have to do everything for her, all her responsibilities I kene tanggung. I shouldn't feel guilty, OUH let me add something I don't CARE about other people. again a COLD SELF HEARTED BITCH OF THE CENTURY. yup, that's me. I think there's a lot to add too.

I wonder why I put up with her. WHY in the world do I duduk sebelah dia. Patience is a virtue. Very hard to maintain. I'm wondering for real, i don't want to be bad, I've never berniat to be a bad person. I don't even know why this is bothering me. This is so small, compared to other problems that could affect their lives. This is a small matter. Why do I keep things to myself. sigh. I can be stupid at times, but that's me, being born after the last child which was 9 years ago.
Ok that was sarcastic, people hate me, and I don't knw.

Whatever.

Obstacles

Hmmmm??? Well lets see, SPM is another 144 more days to go 8O
I have a crappy friend, WHICH I don't even know what's happening,
I have tonnes and TONNES of homework,
My room is a mess,
I've stop being optimistic,
The world is gonna end and I am NOT even ready.
DAMMIT!

Am I a bad person? I'm confused :s I know I've done things which I know i shouldn't have and it's bad doing those stuff but literally saying am I a bad person with a black heart or a rock solid head or with eyes which i can't see what's good and what's bad?
I need people's opinions YET, they just keep it quite and start ignoring. That my fellow people, is just darn stupid.
I see things in such a pessimistic direction until it blinds me for what i should really see or realize.
What the heart can do to the brain.

I shall continue with my next blog. :)

Fear

The feeling of freedom may no longer be in my dictionary. As it haunts me day and night.
After the 'incident', I've been more secured more observant which also helps in a way;
but it scares me, anything can happen nowadays. You can't be carefree and clumsy, Being lonely in the house creeps me out. I'll be so paranoid, it makes me literally hide in a box and not come out. Well I don't really have a box that can fit me, but I still have a point to prove IF you know what I mean, I'll be holding my pepper spray, phone and slugger for my own safety. I feel so retarded. :/
Sometimes I just need someone there to be with me. I'm a chicken so yeah. Sigh. Stupid people, they have NO moral whatsoever! Jackasses. They made me put a "GRILL" in my house. Losers.
I'm even holding a slugger now, and pepper spray right beside me with my phone which has the police on speed dial. I saw a creepy man passing by my house a few times, such bad memories. I can't even breath properly now. Adrenaline..

thinking?

You’re so good at killing time

Excuses excuses that’s all you can think

Haven’t you realized that reality has much more to give

Migraines and headaches; isn’t that the same thing

I should be waiting, not over doing

I can’t say much because I’m the girl

Why should I be the wimp?

Is it because of trauma

I don’t know

I wish I did

Damn

Useless piece of crap

I'm starting to get worried for myself. I'm not sure.
Recently I've been vomiting after my dinner. What is happening to me? I wouldn't say I'm bulimic.
I didn't gag myself. I'm against with the whole bulimic-stick-in-your-throat-gagging-till-your-stick-thin.
I don't know.

Plus..

You know those small talks THEY give. After you did something wrong. THEY gave me the talk; and now i have a low-self esteem.
Generally I'm a useless, weak, stupid, naive girl my mother thinks well actually; it's my sister.
What kind of talk is that.
My sister is useless. What is wrong with her.

Teens. ouh please.

Materialistic things aren't important, unless you work with a fashion magazine or whatever; but still! There are other things in life, which should be focused ON. I have a group of friends, which are acting like some grown adult; but still thinks like a child. Competing each other, with their clothes, the accessories, the face complexion, the body, the face. ENOUGH! ok. It's annoying. Doesn't it occur to you that, there are kids dying, trying to get FOOD, or CLOTHES. you spent a whole lot of money for all those crap. You could have spend it on donations. At least you dapat pahala. Which is counted when you die. Don't you have a sense of generosity.

I can't explain why girls around my age, preteens. Go out with people they don't know. Plus, they are not raised in the city. They would be willingly enough to go out and get attention from people they don't know. They are still naive no matter how old they are. I would even consider MYself as a naive girl. She doesn't have enough knowledge to protect herself. She could end up regretting, and live in a life of lies. I'm worried. She's like my little sister. I wouldn't want anything to happen to her.

Well that's it for now. ;)